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  “Thank you, Bryce.” I spoke softly and squeezed his hand. I needed him to know that I wasn’t pushing him away. I just needed this time to be by myself, to come to terms with the grief that was consuming me and burning a fire in my soul.

  “I’m looking for Luke Bryan.” I ran up to a doctor who was walking past me. “Please, please, tell me where he is.”

  He looked at me with a funny expression and pointed down the hallway. “Go past the desk, look in the third door on the right; I think he’s in there.”

  “Okay. Thank you.” I started running down the hall, but stopped when I got to the desk. I was scared. I didn’t want to go to the room. I wanted to postpone the moment. I didn’t want to accept that he was dead. Maybe if I just went home, I could pretend, pretend that he had just gone on a trip to Boston and that he would be back. I could wait for him to return. Maybe, if I prayed hard and long enough, he would come back. Maybe it was time for me to start believing in miracles. I turned around, suddenly feeling calm and grabbed Bryce’s hand.

  “We can go.” I smiled at him. I felt as if I were walking on air.

  “What’s going on, Lexi? You haven’t been in the room as yet?” He frowned at me and I reached over and rubbed his temples.

  “You must stop frowning, Luke.”

  “I’m Bryce.”

  “Oh, sorry.” I bit my lip. “Shall we go and get a shake?”

  “Don’t you want to see Luke?” Bryce came to a halt.

  “I don’t want to see.” My eyes widened in fear. “I don’t want to see him. Please.”

  “Lexi…” Bryce’s voice trailed off as his phone rang. “It’s my dad.” He put the phone back in his pocket.

  “You can answer it.”

  “I’ll call him back once you have done what you need to do, Lexi. I’m sure he just wants to rush home to get ready for another date.”

  “He’s still your father, Luke.”

  “I’m Bryce, Lexi.”

  “Sorry, my brain is a little fogged up right now.”

  “Let’s go in the room.” He turned me around and we walked until we reached the third door on the right. “Do you want me to walk in with you?”

  “I think I should go in by myself,” I whispered. Bryce nodded and stepped back and I took a deep breath and walked in the door. I was overwhelmed as soon as I set foot inside the room. It was crowded and I felt my blood pressure soaring as I scanned the room to look in the beds. And then I saw him. My Luke. And I fainted once again. Only this time I didn’t see Luke’s childhood face. This time I was in a meadow and there were blue butterflies flying around saying my name, “Lexi, Lexi, Lexi.” And I thought to myself, I never knew butterflies could talk.

  Chapter 2

  Bryce

  I don’t like hospitals. They make me think of death. And only death. When I was in boot camp, we had all talked about our least favorite spots. The guys had laughed when I had told them that I hated hospitals most of all. Even though babies are born there? Someone had asked me one could dreary night when we wanted our minds to be on anything other than the war. I’ve never met a baby, I had told him, not one that I’ve held and bonded with. I didn’t associate hospitals with babies. Just death. And I’ve known too many people who have died.

  I kept my back against the wall as I waited for Lexi. I didn’t want to see her face as she saw Luke’s limp, lifeless body. I didn’t want to see the heartache and crushing pain in her eyes. I couldn’t bear to see it. She shouldn’t have to go through this. I’d brought my curse to her. I felt my fist clench and I released it, tapping my foot instead.

  “OMG, is she okay?” I heard a little kid scream and I ran into the room. Lexi was lying on the ground, lifelessly. I felt my heart clench. She had fainted again. She must have seen him then. It was true then. Luke was dead. I should have felt relief, but all I felt was an incredible sadness pass through me.

  “Shelby, go and get the doctor so he can make sure she is okay. She hit her head when she fainted.” The voice was concerned, husky and familiar. I looked up and froze as I saw Luke standing in front of me.

  “Okay, Lukey, I’m going now.” The little girl ran past me and out into the corridor.

  “Gimme a hand won’t you, Bryce.” Luke nodded towards Lexi and we lifted her up and put her on an empty bed.

  “What are you guys doing here?” Luke frowned at me.

  “We came to see you.”

  “How did you know I was here?” He looked a little nervous and I wondered what he was doing in the hospital.

  “My dad ... wait ... how comes you are alive?”

  “How comes I’m alive?” Luke laughed. “Do you want me dead or something, Bryce?”

  “No, no. Of course not.” Which was true. I didn’t want him dead. I just wanted him to be out of Lexi’s life.

  “So?” He questioned me.

  “My dad told us there had been an accident, a fatality, and then he said you were in the hospital. We just assumed there was a connection.”

  “Sorry. I’m still alive.”

  “I didn’t want you to…” I trailed off as Lexi groaned. I leaned down and looked at her. “Hey, are you okay?”

  “I thought I saw Luke.” She smiled, weakly and I nodded to her other side. She turned her head and saw Luke and I saw the shock and happiness in her face. Her eyes lit up and I felt a jab of jealousy.

  “Luke, is that you?” Her voice was breathless as if she thought she was talking to an angel.

  “Yes, Lexi.”

  “Am I in heaven?”

  “No, Lexi.” He laughed and I groaned inside. “I wasn’t in the accident. I don’t know who died, but it wasn’t me.”

  “Oh thank God.” She sat up and grabbed him. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, Luke Bryan.” She buried her face in his chest and I looked away, heart pounding. So this is what jealousy feels like, I thought. I’d never felt this odd sensation of mind-numbing hurt and pain before; the hollow thudding in my chest was a foreign experience and, as I watched Lexi and Luke out of the corner of my eye, I felt like I wanted to throw up. Never had a sensation overwhelmed me as much as it did now. And then she pulled away from him and turned around and smiled at me, and that fleeting green monster disappeared from my body.

  “He’s alive, Bryce.” She beamed at me, tears of happiness flowing from her eyes.

  “I see that.” I knew that words sounded dry coming out of my mouth, but I didn’t know how to fake a relief I didn’t really feel. It wasn’t that I wanted Luke to have died. Far from it. I just didn’t feel any particular way, now that he was alive.

  “I should call Anna, tell her you are okay.” Lexi avoided my eyes and spoke directly to Luke as she walked out of the room. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay.” Luke’s voice and mine echoed out at the same time. I felt a wash of gut-wrenching fear in my stomach, it was becoming a familiar feeling every time Lexi mentioned Anna and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could put off telling her. I wanted us to move on in our relationship, but I didn’t want to do that with any secrets. I needed to know she accepted me a hundred percent for who I was and what I had done.

  “The doctor is on his way, Luke.” The little girl walked back in the door and smiled shyly at me. She had a bandana on her head and gaunt cheeks. I smiled back at her, taken aback by the way her big, blue eyes seemed to engulf her face.

  “Thanks, Shelby.” Luke gave her a quick hug. “Now get back into bed and rest.”

  “But I want to play charades. You promised.”

  “I promise to play if you rest some more.”

  “Promise?” She got into the bed and put her thumb in her mouth.

  “I promise.”

  “Okay.” She leaned back and pulled the bandana off of her small head. I tried to keep my smile plastered on my face as I stared at the top of her head. She was bald. I’d never seen a little girl who was bald before. It suddenly reminded me of my surroundings.

  “I don’t mind if you stare.�
�� She turned to me with a small smile. A smile that tugged at my heartstrings.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” I mumbled, embarrassed.

  “I have cancer,” she said, matter-of-factly.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I got to meet Luke,” she mumbled, sucking on her thumb.

  “Oh?”

  “He…”

  “I’ll explain more to Bryce, Shelby. You just sleep now. You’ve had too much excitement for the day.”

  “The girl fell.” Shelby looked at us with worried eyes.

  “Yes, but she’s okay now.”

  “Good. She was pretty.” And, with that, Shelby closed her eyes. Luke pressed his hand to her forehead and stood there for a while, watching the girl.

  “Is she your sister?”

  He looked up at me in surprise and he stared into my eyes with a searching look. “No.” He spoke slowly, frowning.

  “Your niece?”

  “No.”

  “Cousin?”

  “She’s not related to me.” He ushered me towards the door. “I met her through volunteering.”

  “Oh, okay.” It figured that Luke was a do-gooder. He was literally better than me in every way possible. I suppose it had to with our DNA, his parents must have both been good stock, while I had one parent that was likely related to Satan himself.

  “Let’s make sure Lexi is okay.” Luke’s voice was firm and I followed him out of the room, stopping to look back at the bed before I walked out. Shelby looked so tiny and frail lying there. I felt my heart skip a beat as I stared at her peaceful face, sleeping. Life was so unfair sometimes. Such a small child should be running around and having fun—not sleeping in a hospital room. I wanted to ask Luke her story. For some reason I was drawn to this little girl.

  “Everything okay, Lexi?” Luke grinned at Lexi and ruffled her hair. “Did you tell Anna I’m okay?”

  “Yes.” She rolled her eyes. “She, like me, was ecstatic to hear the good news. But she will kill you if you ever put us through that again.” She wiped her eyes. “I didn’t know I could cry that much.”

  “But I didn’t put you through anything.” He laughed easily and I wanted to punch him for laughing like everything was okay. Didn’t he realize what he had put Lexi through?

  My phone started ringing again and I groaned as I saw my dad’s name on the screen again. “I am coming, Dad. Luke is okay. We are just—”

  “—Bryce, you need to come downstairs and meet me in the lobby.”

  “Lexi and I will be there in a minute.”

  “Come alone, Bryce.” His voice caught and my heart skipped a beat. I’d never heard my father sound this serious and emotional before.

  “What’s up dad?” I sighed into the phone, annoyed. I saw Lexi and Luke exchange a glance and look at me as I talked and I rolled my eyes to indicate my annoyance at my dad’s call.

  “It’s your mother.”

  “What about her?”

  “She’s not well.” He paused and took a deep breath.

  “What do you mean?” The blood drained from my face. “What’s wrong with her?”

  Lexi clasped her hand to her mouth and looked at me with wide eyes.

  “Come down, Bryce. Please.”

  I hung up the phone and looked at Lexi with bleak eyes. I felt as if my body had just caught on fire. “My dad wants me to go downstairs to talk. Something’s wrong with my mom.”

  “Your mom?” Lexi’s smile dropped from her face. “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No, no. I’ll go. I’ll be right back.” I knew I was walking because I was getting closer and closer to the elevator but I couldn’t actually feel my feet moving. The out-of-body sensation reminds me of how I felt going into combat the first time. It was surreal and deafening at the same time. As I got into the elevator, I watched as Lexi and Luke stood there together, watching me. It was a curious look; one I wasn’t used to. They looked like they pitied me. I’d never had anyone pity me before.

  “Bryce.” My dad rushed up to me as soon as I got out the elevator and his eyes were red. That was even curiouser. He looked like he had been crying. My dad never cried. He had no need to—everything in his life was perfect. Just perfect.

  “Where’s mom, dad?” The words echoed in my ear and I looked around to see who had spoken.

  “She’s gone, Bryce.”

  “Gone where?”

  He put his head in his hands and I think he held in a gulp. It was all quite strange. “Bryce, it was your mom in the accident.”

  “No.” I pulled his hands away from his face. “Stop lying.”

  “Bryce, mom has died.”

  “No.” This time my voice was firmer and louder. “No, she cannot be dead. She was going to leave you.”

  “Bryce.” He looked at me with a strange pain in his face. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not me you should be apologizing to, dad, it’s mom. Go and find mom and apologize to her.”

  “I’m sorry, Bryce,” he whispered.

  “No. No you’re not sorry. Go and tell mom!” I shouted and pushed him. “Go and tell mom what a shitty husband you’ve been. You’re lying. She’s going to leave you.”

  “I know.” His voice was quiet and a tear fell from his eye. “She had me served with divorce papers.”

  “What?” I hadn’t known that my mom was actually strong enough to follow through with her words. I hadn’t expected her to really leave my dad. “What are you talking about?”

  “Bryce, we can talk about this later. Do you want to see your mom before she is sent to the funeral home?”

  “She’s not dead.” I sob. “She can’t be dead.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Bryce.” He tried to put his arm around me and I shrug away from him forcefully.

  “Don’t you dare touch me.” I pushed him hard, wanting to harm him in some way physical. “Where is she?”

  “Let’s go and see her.”

  “I want to see her by myself.” My head is pounding as if someone is hitting me with a hammer over and over again. “I need to see her by myself.”

  “Just come with me. I’ll take you there and leave you alone with her.”

  I counted the tiles as I followed my dad and try to walk on every other tile without touching the grout lines. I can only walk on the navy blue tiles, not the white ones, I tell myself. If I touch the white ones, even by mistake, the game is done and I lose. I can’t touch the white ones. I jump a little bit to make sure that I don’t even let my heel touch the white ones. But then my dad stopped right in front of me and I stumbled and land right in the middle of a white one. I wanted to scream. And I wanted to punch him hard. He made me lose the game.

  “She’s in there.” He tapped on a door and I stood there for a moment before going in. I heard the television playing some gameshow and I turned around and snarled at him for playing such a horrible joke on me. My mom wasn’t dead. Maybe she was just injured. I could hear the TV playing. I bet she was happy to have some time to herself in the hospital, before coming back home to cook countless dinners. I pushed open the door with a smile on my face, ready to cheer my mom up. I had to blink to become accustomed to the darkness of the room. The curtains are drawn, the lights are off and the only light is that the TV is emitting.

  “Mom, do you want me to turn the light on?” I fumbled around, looking for a light switch. I turned it on and the room was filled with a bright fluorescent light. I understood why the light had been off now. “Mom?” I stared at the bed and see my mom lying there with her face looking straight up. As I walked to the bed, I can feel every nerve ending in my body alert and waiting for a command.

  “Mom?” I stopped at the edge of the bed and look down. Her face is pale white, almost grey, with a tinge of blue. “Mom, do you want me to go home and get your blusher?” I knew she would want to put a little makeup on her cheeks. “Mom.” I touched her cheek slowly, praying silently for her to open her eyes and shout �
��April Fools.”

  I put my fingers on her neck to see if I felt a heartbeat. And, at first, I think I am positive that I felt one. It’s beating quickly and I breathe a deep sigh of relief—but then I realized it’s my own heartbeat I am counting. I put my fingers under her nostrils to see if any air is coming out and I just watch her face. My brain already knows the truth that my heart doesn’t want to accept it. I closed my eyes for a second and think about her happily cooking for my party—she had been so alive, so carefree, so determined. And I was pretty sure she hadn’t been on anything. She was getting better. I knew she had been getting better.

  “Oh mom.” I fell to my knees and placed my head on the bed sobbing. “Oh mom, how could you leave me? I need you mom. I need you to be here for me. We can do this together. I support you. I support you mom. Leave dad. I’ll come with you. We can do this. Oh mom. I love you. I love you so much. Mom, wake up. Wake up. Mom, wake up.” I screamed sobbing at this point. No death has ever affected me this much, this deeply, this painfully. Every atom of my body was crying out in hurt.

  “I’m sorry, Bryce.” I felt my dad’s hand on my shoulder and I don’t say a word. I hadn’t even heard him come in. I wanted to scream at him, tell him it should have been him that had died. I wanted to tell him how much I hated him. But I didn’t want to do it in front of my mom. She wouldn’t want that. She had loved my father, for all his flaws, even though he had broken her. She had loved him.

  I stood up and stared down at her face—so beautiful, even in death. I bent forward and kissed her cheek for the last time. “I love you, mom,” I whispered in her ear and walked out of the door. I used my sleeve to blow my nose and wipe the tears from my eyes. “Sorry, mom,” I said to the air. I knew my mom had always hated me using my clothes as a handkerchief.

  “Bryce, we need to make some decisions.” My dad addressed me and I looked up at him with hatred in my eyes.