P.S. Not if You Were the Last Man on Earth Read online

  “Yeah?”

  “I know you previously said you’re not interested because you don’t believe in nepotism, but the offer still stands. If you want to work at—”

  “No,” I cut him off. “You are my best friend’s boyfriend, and while I appreciate the offer, I’m not going to take advantage of your relationship or our friendship.”

  “But you have the qualifications,” Marcia said quickly. “You have more qualifications than me. You had a better GPA. You…”

  “I don’t want to take advantage of this situation, okay? I’ll just do what I got to do.”

  “And that’s being a phone sex operator?” Brody raised an eyebrow.

  “It’s not that I want to be a phone sex operator. I’m actually looking for a position as a substitute teacher, but I don’t have the certifications and…” I sighed. “Anyway, long story.”

  “Is that what you want to do with your life?” he asked softly. “You want to be a teacher?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied.

  “You’ll figure it out,” Finn said with a smile. “I have faith in you.”

  “Thanks, Finn,” I said.

  Marcia gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and they stared at each other adoringly.

  “Go on, guys,” I told them. “Go and do whatever you want to do. I’ll see you both in the morning, okay?”

  “Night, Susie.” Marcia walked over to me and gave me a big hug. “I love you.”

  “Love you too,” I said and kissed her on the cheek. “Night, Finn.”

  “Night, Suze.” He grinned. “Night, Brody.”

  “Night, man. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Brody chuckled. “But then, I guess that’s not much.”

  Marcia shook her head, and we watched the two of them walk out of the campsite. I had no idea where they were going, but most probably, Finn had some romantic spot to show her.

  “So I guess it’s just you and me,” Brody said.

  I groaned. “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

  “It’s eight o’clock.”

  “Yeah. So?”

  “You’re going to go to bed at eight o’clock?

  “Well, yeah.”

  “We could go look at the stars,” he said.

  “I don’t think so. I think I’m going to get into my bed.”

  “You mean your sleeping bag?” He laughed.

  “Yeah, that’s what I mean.”

  “Look, Susie. I know we got off to a bit of a rough start, and my teasing you hasn’t helped, but we’re going to be spending the entire weekend together. You know the lovebirds aren’t going to have that much time for us, so if we want to enjoy the weekend, which I know I do, maybe we can start afresh?”

  “You and me, start afresh?”

  “Just for the weekend. Then you can go back to hating me when we get back to New York.”

  “Let me think about it.”

  “Come on. I know a really cool hike,” he said. “It’s not far, and we can see the sky, and I can show you a whole bunch of constellations. Maybe we’ll even see some owls.”

  “You think so?” I said softly. “I’ve always wanted to see an owl in real life.”

  “I can’t make any promises, but maybe.” His face was animated and alive. He looked around, paying keen attention to the tree branches, and I could tell this was something that really excited him.

  “How do you know so much about nature anyway?” I said.

  “Why? I can’t know about nature just because I’m a baseball player?”

  “I don’t know. You do seem like a player.”

  “I lived in Kentucky every summer for years,” he said softly.

  “Every summer?”

  “My grandparents—they had a farm there, and my parents would send me and my brothers.” His voice trailed off. “But enough about me. Shall we go for a walk, or are you going to go mope in the bed?”

  “Fine. We can go,” I said. “Let me just grab a jacket, okay? It’s getting cool.”

  “Okay.” He nodded. “And maybe…”

  “Yeah?” I asked him as he paused.

  “Maybe you can tell me your best phone-sex lines.”

  “Oh my gosh. Really, Brody?”

  “What? A man’s got to try. Because who knows? Maybe you would’ve agreed,“ he said in a deep, husky voice, and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.

  “You’re a goof, Brody Wainwright.”

  “Look at that,” he said, his eyes crinkling. “I made you laugh. Never thought I’d see the day. You’re already warming to me.”

  “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” I said, shaking my head. “You’re an idiot and a pig and a—”

  “I know.” He held his hands up. “Every bad word you can think of. But for the rest of the weekend, why can’t I just be the charming guy you’re sharing your tent with?”

  “Fine,” I said. “Only for the rest of the weekend, though.”

  Four

  Brody

  Susie and I walked in companionable silence as we made our way toward Vernal Falls. I knew Yosemite quite well. I’d been here a couple of times when I was a teenager and had never forgotten those trips with my family.

  I wanted to ask Susie about her phone-sex job and tease her, but I knew she was quite sensitive about the subject. In fact, she seemed almost too sensitive to be successful in that profession. If she got offended at me teasing her and asking these questions, I couldn’t imagine how she would feel when dirty men got on the phone wanting her to role-play and act out their various kinks. She didn’t seem like that sort of woman, and I wanted to know why she’d taken such a job, especially when her best friend was dating Finn, and he’d offered her a job.

  Finn was a billionaire. He could afford to pay her whatever she wanted. And from all accounts, it seemed she had a great degree. I could tell by the way she spoke that she was intelligent. Ultimately, I knew she didn’t know me well enough or trust me enough to tell me why she’d taken such a job.

  “Are you tired?” I asked her, noticing she’d slowed down as we were walking.

  “A bit. I haven’t really hiked in a long time. And if I’m honest, I’ve never really been much of a hiker, so I’m kind of out of shape.”

  “You don’t look like you’re out of shape.” I smiled as I looked over her womanly figure.

  She was filled out in all the right places. She had big boobs, which I had a pension for, and a large ass, though she wasn’t overweight. I couldn’t lie. She looked like she’d be dynamite in bed, but that wasn’t something I was going to tell her.

  She played with her long black hair and yawned slightly.

  “We don’t have to hike all the way there, then,” I said. “It’s a lot for one day, I know.”

  “But you said you wanted to. I don’t mind.”

  “Wow, you’re being nice to me,” I said, feigning shock.

  “Don’t get used to it.” She grinned.

  “Oh, I don’t think I could. I doubt it’ll last much longer.”

  “Yeah, well, not if you say something that annoys me.”

  “It seems like almost everything I say annoys you.”

  “Not when you’re being normal.”

  “I thought I was always being normal.”

  “No. Sometimes you’re a cocky bastard.”

  “Really? You think I’m a cocky bastard?”

  “Yeah, and I bet I’m not the only woman that’s ever said that.”

  I started laughing. She was right, of course. I’d been called an asshole and a bastard so many times that I almost felt as though those terms were my nicknames.

  “So, Brody.”

  “Yes, Susie.”

  “Tell me more about you.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Did you always want to be a baseball player?”

  I looked at her in surprise. My nostrils flared as I took a deep breath. She was staring at me with an inquisitive expression. I wasn’t sure how t
o answer her because no one had ever asked me that. Most people just assumed that I’d always wanted to be a baseball player, but that was far from the truth. “No,” I said. “I didn’t.”

  “Oh, okay. But you were just good at it or…” She paused for a moment. “I don’t mean to pry. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You’re not prying,” I said. “I didn’t actually play sports when I was in high school. I was a bit of a nerd.” I said the words lightly, but I flinched as it registered that I’d said them out loud.

  “Oh, really? You were a nerd? You don’t look like it.”

  I nodded in agreement. “I know I don’t.”

  “So are you going to tell me more? I’m surprised you didn’t play in high school. Did you play in college?”

  “I did play in college, yeah.”

  She stared at me for a few seconds, and I stared back at her. I wasn’t used to having these kinds of conversations with people. Men thought I was cool because I was a professional baseball player, and women thought I was cool because I was hot and a professional baseball player. No one had ever asked me about why I got into the sport, or when, and I didn’t know how I felt about that.

  “If you don’t want to tell me—”

  “No, it’s just… It’s unusual for someone to ask me questions like this.”

  “I’m just asking you a regular question, no?”

  “I guess most women want to know the amount of money I have in my bank account or where I’m going to take them shopping. They don’t really ask me about myself. Maybe they ask if I’m looking for a girlfriend or a wife or if I want to have kids or something like that, but not about me.”

  “Then you’re really dating the wrong sort of women,” she said softly, “because any woman that was trying to get to know you would want to know about you.”

  “Are you trying to get to know me?”

  “Yeah. That’s why I’m asking you the questions.”

  “So do you consider this a date?”

  “Are you joking, Brody?” She stared at me and shook her head. “You’re joking, right?”

  “I don’t know. I’m asking you a question.”

  “No, I’m not trying to date you. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

  “I’m just checking. I mean—”

  “I know, I know. You’re Brody Wainwright. You’re a top baseball player for the New York Yankees, and you’re handsome and rich and blah, blah, blah. I’m going to fill you in on something.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t watch baseball. I don’t care about baseball. I don’t care how much money you have. I don’t care that you play for the Yankees. I couldn’t care less if you were from fricking Mars, okay?”

  “Well, I’m not from Mars.”

  “I know. You’re from Kentucky.”

  “Actually, I’m not from Kentucky. I grew up in Pennsylvania, and my grandparents lived in Kentucky.”

  “Did you grow up in Philly?” she asked me.

  “No. I actually grew up in a small town in northern Pennsylvania.”

  “Okay. I don’t know Pennsylvania that well, or I’d ask you the name of the town.”

  “Yeah, most people wouldn’t have heard of my town.”

  “So you grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania. Did you have a large family?”

  “I was a middle child. Two brothers.”

  “So there’s three of you. Any sisters?”

  “No.”

  “And you visited your grandparents in Kentucky. Are you a country boy or something?” She started laughing, and I smiled at her, though the insides of my stomach started curling. I flashed back to my sophomore year of high school.

  “Hey there, Wainwright,” one of the football players had called me out as I was walking down the hallway with my biology textbook.

  “Hi,” I’d said.

  “What are you doing, nerd?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I said what are you doing, nerd? I can’t believe you’re a Wainwright.”

  “I don’t know how to answer that.” I had stared at him. And then a bunch of girls had started laughing. The football player had been about to say something else when my older brother came out of one of the classrooms and saw that I was being picked on.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” He’d walked over to the football player, who was one of his best friends. They’d been on the team together, and my brother Michael had actually been the quarterback of the team.

  “I was just saying that your brother is a lame-o. Biology over sports?”

  “Dude, leave him alone.”

  “I just don’t get at it. How is he such a hick when you guys are—”

  “How am I a hick just because I’m studious?” I’d asked him. “Piss off.”

  “You’re a hick because you’d rather spend time on the farm than hang out.”

  I’d pressed my lips together, close to tears. I couldn’t believe my brother wasn’t sticking up for me more.

  “Dude, just leave him alone,” Michael had said. “Come on, let’s go throw some ball.” And they’d walked off.

  I’d known I was different. In a school that had valued sports and dating and getting laid, I’d been the nerd, and I stuck out like a sore thumb being a Wainwright. No girls had wanted me, with my bad acne and braces, and I’d started going to help my grandparents on the farm during the summer because they hadn’t been able to afford the help they’d needed to keep the farm going. This had stopped me from going to parties and bonding with my brother’s friends, and I was a bit of a loner.

  “Hey, Brody.” Susie’s hand grazed my arm, and I looked at her, blinking. “You okay there?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

  “You were just saying something about the fact that you’re not a hick, and I just wanted to say that I didn’t mean to offend you if…”

  “No, no, I’m not offended. Of course not.” I gave her a big, warm smile and ran my hand through my hair. It’d been a long time since those memories had affected me. A long time since I’d remembered what it was like to be a loser. “Susie.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you going to drop them panties for me anytime soon?” I chuckled as she glared at me. She started huffing and puffing and mumbling something under her breath, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

  I knew she was pissed off, and I knew she was probably doubting that I was a good man or a good person, but I didn’t care. I just needed to ensure she didn’t ask me any more questions. I just needed to ensure she didn’t try to get anything else out of me.

  I just wasn’t ready to visit the past again.

  Five

  Susie

  “There you guys are.” Marcia looked up from her spot on the rug as Brody and I made our way back into the campsite.

  “Yeah, we won. We went on a walk,” I said gruffly, not looking back at Brody. We hadn’t spoken for the last forty-five minutes. I couldn’t believe he’d asked me when I was going to drop my panties. That wasn’t polite or funny.

  “You must be really tired,” Marcia said.

  “Not really. Maybe a little hungry. I could go for another snack.”

  “It’s a good thing we’re not hiking Half Dome tomorrow,” Finn said. “You guys would be absolutely exhausted.”

  “I don’t even know if I want to do Half Dome,” I said. “I don’t think I’m physically prepared.”

  “Don’t give up so easily, Susie,” Brody interjected. “I’m sure you can do it.”

  “Yeah. You think me and my panties can do it?” I glared at him, and he just smiled.

  “Um, what was that about?” Marcia asked. She wrinkled her brows and tucked a stray hair behind her ears. “Did you just say you and your panties?”

  “Why don’t you ask him?” I nodded toward Brody. “He’s the one that—”

  “Okay, Susie. Do we have to get into every single joke I say to you?”

  “I don’t really think
it’s a joke when you ask me when I’m going to be dropping my panties.”

  Marcia gasped, and Finn burst into laughter.

  “It’s not funny, honey,” Marcia chided him.

  “I know,” Finn said ruefully. He stared at Brody and shook his head. “Dude, really?”

  “What?” Brody replied. “I was joking. It’s not like I really meant it.”

  I turned to him. “If I was like, ‘Oh, I’d like to drop my panties right now,’ you would’ve said, ‘Oh, I was just joking’?”

  “Well, of course not.” He grinned. “Do I look like a fool?”

  “Yeah, you do, actually,” I said, and I walked over and sat down on the blanket that had been laid on the ground. It wasn’t particularly comfortable, but I didn’t want to sit in one of the cramped camping chairs. I leaned back, closed my eyes, and took a couple of deep breaths. “I’m going to kill him if he doesn’t get some manners. I’m telling all of you right now so I have several witnesses, and you all know I was driven to it if it happens.”

  “Um, maybe you shouldn’t tell them ahead of time?” Brody said with a cough. “You’re not in Florida now.”

  “What does that mean?” I said, opening my eyes and looking up. He was standing right next to me, looking down at me with a huge grin on his face.

  “It just means that you’re in California, and premeditated murder doesn’t go down so well here.”

  “You know what, Brody?”

  “Yes, Susie?”

  “Nothing.” I sat up. “So are we going to make s’mores or what?” I looked to Marcia and she nodded.

  “I’m down for s’mores and hot chocolate.”

  “How about spiced hot chocolate?” Finn said as he held up a small flask.

  “What’s in there?” I asked him suspiciously.

  “Only something that will make the hot chocolate taste really good.”

  “Something like what?”

  “Whiskey,” he said with a laugh.

  “No, thank you. I would rather my hot chocolate just be hot chocolate.”

  “Ah, you’re no fun, Susie,” Brody said.

  “She’s plenty of fun,” Marcia said. “Trust me. You don’t know the Susie I know.”